If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s
no hope for you. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe by
the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in West Texas, you know how
true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park.
Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield , IL
Frank explains how he got roped into this by saying: “Recently,
I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge’s table askingfor directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came
in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst
one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI 2 – AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI…
Judge 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge 3– Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m notsure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.
*****************************************************
CHILI 3 – FRED’S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI… STRONG
Judge 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I’m getting drunk from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…
Judge 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish o other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds
Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
Judge 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming.
*****************************************************
CHILI 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
Judge e 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
rear-end with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…
Judge 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…
Judge 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he’s going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really
hot chili?
Judge 3 – No Report

Advertisements